Gossip

Telling tales whether they’re true or not.

An audio version of this post is available below (for paid subscribers).

Chatting can turn to gossip in a heartbeat. If your friend is handling a crisis, it’s going to be the talk of the town, and people might want to shake you down to get the juicy details. So you should figure out what you feel comfortable sharing in person and online before you start talking to people about what’s going on, whether you know the story, or someone else does. You don’t want to get caught off guard when people start digging for dirt.

“Gossip is what no one claims to like, but everybody enjoys.” Joseph Conrad

I could say “gossip is bad,” but that’s not always true. When your friend is suffering, it’s generally a good thing to spread the word so more people can get involved in their recovery. Navigating the blurry lines between helpful discourse and idle talk can be stressful and confusing. Here are the forms of gossip commonly encountered while dealing with a horrible thing, and whether they’re a “do” or a “don’t.”

Do - Get Your Friend’s Permission

All of the advice below hinges on this: your friend has given you the go-ahead to spread helpful information on their behalf.

Don’t - Assume Things Aren’t Private

Find out the “what” and “where” from your friend first. What is okay to share, and where they are okay with you sharing it.

Do - Inform

By all means, tell friends of your friend (with their permission) what’s going on. Encourage them to tell others, and get your emergency network as vast as possible.

Don’t - Misinform

It’s natural to be hungry for information when things spiral out of control. Those in the outer social circles of a friend and their problem might get little to no updates depending on how serious the situation is, and how active that friend is via text or social media. This quest for truth can get desperate. People start believing rumors and your friend’s story gets muddy.

Stick to the facts. Repeat yourself, if necessary. Don’t send anything down the grapevine unless you’re positive it’s true and helpful.

Do - Plan

Start a meal train, launch a GoFundMe, taxi people who can’t drive. There are a multitude of ways you can get involved, and they all need someone to organize it and get the ball rolling.

Don’t - Speculate

One of the worst things you can do to your friend is make assumptions about what they’re going to say or what decision they’re going to make. If their world is falling apart, they don’t have those answers themselves half the time. Only get your information from the source, or those closest to it, and try not to dream up nightmare scenarios or false hopes.

Do - Amuse

When you want to lift your spirits, imagine ways you can put a smile on your friend’s face. Send them funny memes, or old photos, or record a group of people making fools of themselves.

Don’t - Ridicule

This seems obvious, but the desire to make light of a difficult situation is strong. Humor is healing, and when things get scary, laughing about it is a huge release. But there’s a difference between making light of a friend’s pain and mocking it. You could be a saint, respecting your friends’ privacy while saying positive things about them, and still find yourself in a conversation that starts to wander toward insensitive joking.

Try not to engage or encourage those who get chatty about private things, and take note of who you’re talking to when conversations about your friend’s problem get speculative or judgmental. Avoid bringing the issue up with them in the future, and don’t tell them anything you’re not comfortable sharing.

“Gossip is the Devil’s radio.” George Harrison

Word of mouth is vital to handling an emergency. Connect with other friends, and bring a bit of order to the chaos. But when you’re tired, and a little loopy, from the madness of it all, take care in how you talk about it, or just change the subject. News can travel fast, and you don’t want your friend to have to fix a mistake you made when you couldn’t keep your trap shut.

Let’s talk it out.

Have you ever had to pump the brakes on a gossiping session? Any tips on keeping secrets? Let me know in the comments.

An audio version of this post is available below (for paid subscribers).