Chapter 20 - Fear

The mental mystery that holds us back.

An audio version of this post is available below (for paid subscribers).

Snakes and dark water: my two greatest fears. Thankfully neither have prohibited me from helping a friend in crisis … yet. While these were formed from me watching Raiders of the Lost Ark and Jaws too many times, my son’s health issues filled my brain with more immediate, realistic phobias. The way my son’s eyes roll back in his head when he’s dosed with propofol before a procedure. Learning a complicated sequence of steps for his at-home care involving tangled tubes and sharp syringes. Eek, right!? I can manage these fear-filled tasks, and the big emotions surrounding them, but not without friends, family, patience, meditation, and a few useful tools.

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.” Marie Curie

When a friend is reaching out for help, we want to be a rock they can cling to, sturdy and resilient. But we’re all scared of something, and you don’t want to discover your worst fears for the first time when someone you love is counting on you. Confronting something horrifying is an act not to be taken lightly. Seek professional help for emotional obstacles you cannot overcome, but if you just need a little boost to help you manage the things that go bump in the night, here are some tips for keeping those nightmares at bay.

Be Honest

If something freaks you out, let people know. If you suffer from vehophobia (fear of driving), don’t be the first person to offer your friend a ride home. If you’ve dealt with hemophobia (fear of blood) your entire life, politely decline when your friend asks to show you their operation photos or healing scars. Don’t pretend to be brave if it’s going to put your friend in danger, or wound you in a way others won’t anticipate or understand. Be up front about your emotional limitations and only handle what you know you can handle.

That said, don’t bog down your friend with stories about how mortified you got trying to help them. Your fears are likely incomparable to theirs, especially those associated with their current crisis. Share those stories with other friends. The ones that don’t scare so easily. (See my previous chapter, Listen Up).

Don’t Run

The scariest kind of ghost in this instance, is you ghosting your friend. Listen, if Leatherface is chasing you through a cornfield with a whirling chainsaw, then yes, by all means, hoof it. But your friend’s scary circumstance isn’t going to go away if you run from them and try to ignore it. There are many ways to process your fears around a friend’s issue (I’ve listed two below) but the big step is committing to actually staying present.

It’s not something many of us would do for ourselves, willingly (I can tell you to buck up and face your fears, but you put me in a room with a live snake or drop me in the middle of the ocean at midnight and I’ll sing a different tune). But when the welfare of our friends comes into question, we can dig up hidden reserves of courage that let us step up and do the difficult stuff so those we love suffer a bit less. Think of your friend, overcoming all of their fears, not by choice, but because the situation demands it. If they can do it, maybe you can stick by them as they go through it.

Educate Yourself

If you’re going to visit a friend in a hospital, do a bit of research on their condition so you’re not surprised if you see them in a weakened state, or shocked when they tell you the terrifying stories they’ve endured. Imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed, and your friend walked into your hospital room with a petrified expression on their face. Not great. Tap into a friend network, in-person or online. Absorb all the details about your friend’s moment to moment emergency, and process it all ahead of time. For added research, find support groups in town or on Facebook, and read about them.

Just remember, this information is for your benefit, not your friend’s. Don’t relay to them some nightmare situation you read about online, or experimental treatment you heard might work. Do more listening than talking. Everything you learn serves to expedite the process of your friend telling you everything you need to know. When they need to ask you a favor, or help you understand something surprisingly complex, you’ll be one step ahead of the curve.

Get Exposed

Without diving into the deep end (again, if there are no lights on in the pool, count me out!), spend more time doing the thing you’re afraid of. Sounds like a blast, right? But “practice makes progress,” as my wife likes to say. Add tiny actions to your schedule that normalize the uncomfortable and unknown. Do you get anxious in hospitals? Plan a visit to one, join a tour, or maybe even find a group that volunteers (there are lovely folks who have a cart of snacks they bring to hospital rooms, for example) so you can be in a hospital in a positive context.

If this suggestion is a hard no for you, whatever your greatest fear may be, at least recognize the work that has to be done. You don’t have to immediately vanquish your demons. But learning to acknowledge them and do what you can within the scope of your fears is important work. You can focus on helping your friend and dodge those flashy frights when they pop up. Just be honest about your fears and face them with your friends.

“Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A good scare, as long as it’s fake, is my idea of a good time (Halloween is my favorite holiday). If I realize seconds after that I’m actually safe, scares can be a fun adrenaline rush that reminds me I’m alive. But horrible things aren’t fun, and no spooky maze or haunted house can prepare us for traumatic or near-death experiences. That’s why we need to string emotional caution tape around the things we know adversely affect us, and either work within our strengths (bring food but don’t give blood, if blood freaks you out, for example) or seek help in confronting them when we’re able. If we don’t, they could creep up behind us when we least expect it and leave your friend afraid their horrible thing has scared you off.

Let’s talk it out.

What scares you? Let me know in the comments.

An audio version of this post is available below (for paid subscribers).