Chapter 18 - Listen Up

Saving your friend from the worst of your worries.

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You know who doesn’t need to hear about how hard it is to process the feelings associated with your friend’s problems? Your friend. This seems obvious, but they’re often the first person we seek to confess these to, because they know the most about what’s going on. It’s painful to wait for updates regarding someone’s health, or marital status, or legal issues, and it feels like the best person to share that with is the friend closest to it. But nope!

“Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.” Bernard Baruch

It’s natural to seek comfort in a crisis. Things get scary and we need help. But it’s important to consider who the best person is to provide that for us. You are going to experience a lot of the same emotions while watching your friend go through a horrible thing: fear, anger, grief, anxiety, and loneliness, to name just a few. But your friend’s increased vulnerability makes them one of the worst people to process these emotions with. Also, remember: it’s happening to THEM and not you. Spare them the pain and have these conversations with people further away from the epicenter of the issue. Aim your ears at your friend, and your mouth at your other supporters.

In other words: Listen up. Vent down.

Redirect your worries.

You can relieve your friend of a great deal of stress by keeping as many of these negative feelings away from them as often as possible, especially if you find yourself conversing with this person on a regular basis. But if you keep this all inside you’re going to explode, which is why you need to select a few sets of supporters that also know what your struggling friend is going through, and share these concerns with them instead.

This can be anyone in your three (or more) collective circles of friends (or a therapist, hint hint). Once you find an appropriate candidate, ask them if you can unload some of your pent up feelings before letting them loose. You don’t want to turn the firehose on someone who isn’t ready to get soaked. If they’re welcome to the idea of managing these shared emotions, hopefully you’ve found a resource you can return to when these internal struggles resurface. If that person tells you they’re not equipped to handle your worries on top of their own, respect their boundaries and find somewhere else to unload your baggage.

If you are well acquainted with your friend’s immediate family, a venting or sharing opportunity may present itself. Just understand that it may be difficult for them to make time to talk to you, or to consider your emotions, as helping their loved one is likely their primary focus. They’re closer to the big issue, so they should be venting down to you.

It’s far better to talk to someone further away from the situation about your own struggles with your friend’s journey. Avoid gossip whenever possible, however. Don’t seek out these support partners so you can speculate on the merit of your friend’s decisions, or diagnose what they could be doing to improve their situation. If you encounter someone who hasn’t heard about your friend’s problems, think twice before coughing up all the details about their difficult situation. If you really need to vent, keep the discussion focused on releasing the toxic thoughts and feelings that can cloud your judgment when your aim is to help unconditionally, and be a good listener, when your friend needs you.

This should not be a replacement for therapy, although an extended, tear-filled conversation with our besties can often feel like it. A cathartic session with a friend should resolve with you feeling like you’re ready to go out and help again. If you’re having debilitating thoughts or emotions associated with a friend’s problem, seek professional help in overcoming that darkness.

Don’t try to solve the problem.

Unless your friend has specifically asked you to come up with solutions, don’t seek them out for their benefit. Trust that, if they don’t ask, it means they’re actively searching for them or absorbing the information they’ve already been given. (I covered this a bit in Chapter 2, “Searching for Answers.”) Or they’re just letting off steam to someone who is receptive and understanding.

Not “fixing the problem” is especially difficult if you have experience in the areas they’re struggling with. You feel a twinge in your brain, urging you to speak up and relay the lessons you learned the hard way. If you cannot control this impulse, preface your statement by admitting you’re offering them unsolicited advice that they can freely ignore if it’s too much to handle. Don’t make them feel guilty for not automatically following your suggestion.

Don’t preach to the choir.

Even if your friend has the tools and resilience to handle your elevated emotions, telling them you’re struggling with their struggle will likely result in your friend not sharing their deeper feelings with you anymore. They don’t want to be a burden to you, nor do they need to be involved in comforting you over their own issues. If you’ve discovered a new way to be traumatized about the awful things going on, odds are high that your friend already beat you to the punch. And if, by chance, they’ve been spared this additional reality check, don’t put more on their plate by bringing it to their attention.

“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.” Larry King.

Many roads in a healthy friendship travel both ways, but not all of them, or at least not all at the same time. Sometimes you have to receive their feelings, instead of giving your own, and save your emotional burdens for someone who has the strength to receive them in turn. This doesn’t mean you’re keeping secrets, or being dishonest about your feelings. You’re being delicate with your friend’s wounded heart, and discussing important issues without inflicting further injury.

Your restraint could generate positive karma. If your friend remembers that you were an easy person to talk to while they were facing the impossible, they might return the favor and keep their ears open when it’s your turn to groan and gripe about things that can’t be fixed.

Let’s talk it out.

Have you ever acted as a vessel for someone else’s inner turmoil? Who do you go to when you need to empty your brain of dark thoughts? Let me know in the comments.

An audio version of this post is available below (for paid subscribers).