Silence

The surprising challenge of not talking.

An audio version of this post is available below (for paid subscribers).

We’re at a casual gathering and the “how are yous” have wrapped up. And now everyone is just staring at each other, waiting for someone else to think of something worth talking about. I hate that moment. I love breaking the ice. When things get quiet, I want to get chatty. It’s actually (humble brag) something I’m pretty good at. But I’ve been realizing lately: that’s not my job, and I don’t have to do it.

Silence feels like it needs to be solved, but sometimes life doesn’t need a running commentary. When you’re comforting others, keeping quiet is a skill you should work to develop.

“The quieter you become, the more you can hear.” Ram Dass

In the hustle and bustle of rushing to help a friend in an emergency, it can be surprising to encounter prolonged episodes of stillness and even boredom when you finally show up. There can be a lot of waiting involved, whether your friend is being admitted to a hospital, on hold during an important phone call, or unable to put their experience into words. In these moments, you don’t need to say the “right thing.” You don’t need to entertain them or fill the space with idle chat. You just need to be there.

If sitting still and shutting up is something you’ve struggled with in the past, here are some tips to keep you quiet.

Actively listen

Use your senses to absorb your immediate surroundings. Record these sights and sounds, and let them percolate in your brain. Reject the impulse to share these observations with your friend until after they decide it’s time to start talking again. And even then, let them direct the conversation and say what they want to say.

Listening doesn’t always involve other people talking. Your friend can tell you just as much about how they feel by their body language, and other non-verbal cues. The less you try to keep the small talk flowing, the easier it is to process purely visual information.

Feel empathy

We all want to feel what our friends are feeling, but it doesn’t happen automatically. You won’t just magically find yourself wearing your friends shoes; you have to mentally put them on. If you’re catching up with a friend who’s surviving a crisis, they’re probably desperate to fill you in on all the details, but they might not have the tools or the energy.

So while they’re taking a much needed break from talking, add up everything they’ve told you and imagine what it’s like on the other side. The more difficult this process is, the more you’re beginning to realize what your friend has to deal with every day. And the more your friend can sense your understanding of their situation, the more comfortable they’ll be describing it when they eventually get the stamina to do so.

Stay off your phone

The temptation is strong, I know. You might pick up your phone without realizing it. Your friend might be on their phone. But when your friend finally works up the courage to tell you something only a few people know, and they discover you playing a game or scrolling through social media, they might feel discouraged or even rejected.

Challenge yourself. Find a spot to charge your phone and leave it there. Play with your friend’s kid, or cuddle with their cat, or look out the window. Bring a book, a journal, or a craft (like knitting) to occupy yourself instead of using a device. Studies have shown that attention given to a phone in a social setting is more hurtful than attention given to an activity like reading. The phone, in a sense, takes you out of the room mentally. And you are there to be present with your friend. Do anything but choose your phone over them, even if it feels like your friend’s mind has left the building.

Practice

When you’re alone, and there are no struggling friends knocking at your door, see how long you can sit in silence before your inner monologue makes it unbearable. I’ve advocated for the benefits of meditation with anyone who would listen, and most of the resistance I’ve faced comes from the fact that a lot of people aren’t comfortable being alone with their thoughts.

But practicing mindfulness doesn’t make your thoughts any less intrusive, it just prepares you to deal with them when they show up. If you lack the motivation to sit by yourself for a few minutes, without an external stimulus, consider practicing for a friend. Explore all the ways you might feel about the challenges your friend is facing, and get familiar with them so fewer things can surprise you when you run out of stuff to say. If sitting still doesn’t work for you, try going on a walk without a phone or music–just listen to the world around you. Try driving with the radio off, or folding laundry in silence. When an uncomfortable feeling arises, greet it and identify it. Eventually, being in silence with your thoughts (or your friend’s thoughts) will get easier.

“We can’t stand the silence because silence includes thinking. And if we thought, we would have to face ourselves.” Agnes de Mille

We can talk our way out of dealing with something difficult. It’s when the conversation stops that emergencies become harder to face. This pause should be embraced. It’s in this silence that we can show our friends how capable we are to handle the highs and lows of a horrible thing. So aim to surprise your friend with your stoic stillness the next time it feels like a hushed room needs a little noise. Your presence alone will be worth a thousand words.

Let’s talk it out.

When was the last time you were caught in an uncomfortable silence? Or a conversation you’d have rather replaced with a little peace and quiet? Let me know in the comments.

An audio version of this post is available below (for paid subscribers).