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Our hospital stay in ‘22 was often described as a “marathon” by doctors and nurses. They told us this so we knew we had to take care not to burn out. We had to pace ourselves. Yes, we understood there'd be a finish line at the end, but unlike a real marathon, we didn’t know how long we’d have to keep going. We didn’t get a course map, and we didn’t get time to train.
I’ve run a few half-marathons, and when I rounded a street corner at mile 12 and saw rows of volunteers holding paper cups of water and Gatorade, they looked like a chorus of angels. Their help meant so much more because it was stationed in the last legs of the race, giving me a much-needed push.
"No marathon gets easier later. The halfway point only marks the end of the beginning." Joe Henderson
You’ve sent your grieving friend a lovely message, baked and delivered your famous shepherd’s pie, and recorded a cute video they can watch at their leisure. Now what? This is the time for one of the most important things you can do for your friend, but unfortunately it’s also one of the easiest to forget: stick around.
We all have lives to live, jobs and families to manage, and they have to take priority. And that’s okay. But if you think a good friend has been forgotten, or that it’s time for a pick-me-up, follow that instinct.
Good news: it’s never too late. Showing up, unexpectedly, weeks after all the problems started, can multiply the impact of your gesture, transforming it into a powerful blast of positive change. You just have to find the best way to keep them in your periphery.
How to remember not to forget.
Put a reminder in your calendar. Make it a recurring event. Use a picture of this person as wallpaper on your smart phone. Put them near the top of the favorites list in your contacts.
If you prefer analogue solutions, put a post-it note on your refrigerator with their name on it, or draw them on your dry-erase board. Stick a printed photo of them under your alarm clock. If there’s a restaurant you pass on the way to work that reminds you of your friend, take that moment of reflection to leave them a message if it’s been a while since you’ve talked. You never know when someone you care about will find their way into your thoughts. If you feel even the slightest impulse to help them, act on it. It’s the universe telling you, “Now.”
If someone passed, keep an eye out for a funeral or service announcement, so you make sure you save the date and attend if you can. If a family member or animal is missing, keep reminding people over time so they can keep a lookout, or notify others that are unaware. And don’t just flag the negative stuff. If a troubled kid made it to their high school graduation, or a cancer survivor reached a milestone birthday, show up in a big way to celebrate that win.
When you get a chance to talk to your friend, listen with intent. Remember as much about their circumstances as you can. Each detail could be another nudge to your brain later on when you encounter a similar situation, and give you more options in how you lend a hand.
To jog your memory…
Use good instincts about whether you are helping enough or not. Help them as much as you’re able, but don’t pester them every day. If this is someone you’re not usually in touch with, one message a week or month seems appropriate. Stop corresponding altogether if you’re politely told to do so. Don’t take it personally. Just give yourself a break.
It can feel weird to try and connect with someone and get nothing in return. But there could be a million reasons for them to stay silent. They may not have the tools or the time to formulate a response that feels appropriate. They could be flat-out exhausted. You’re outside of their brain bubble and they only have room for a handful of conversations each day. Their inactivity has little to do with you and what you say (as long as you’re thoughtful and respectful).
Don’t remind them of their problems.
Refresh your memory of what they’re dealing with before you send them updates. If their child was recently injured or is disabled, maybe pause before you celebrate your healthy child’s physical accomplishments. If they were involved in a car accident, don’t send them a video confessional while you’re driving.
Some friends don’t have the luxury of seeing the finish line of their unjust “marathon.” If they’re a caretaker managing a sibling’s lifelong disability, or a child that lost their parents years ago, those circumstances are not going to change. If you acknowledge that and pass on the message that you see that friend and their struggles, you’re helping them survive another day.
This is especially important, and challenging, as we get older. Once more of our friends and family members begin to naturally pass on, those circles get smaller. When our loved ones don’t take the time to reach out to us, we often won’t know when someone’s dealing with something serious until it’s too late. Whenever you get to catch up, you’ll be glad you did. You just have to remind yourself that it’s something you want to do. Arguably, this is the real work of life-long friendship.
If it feels like you’re always surrounded by people in crisis, prioritize those who need the most attention, however you choose to grade it. This emotional triage can be difficult, and it’s healthiest to focus on your own challenges when you feel unfit to take on more.
It’s okay to forget. Forgetting a good friend doesn’t mean you’re a bad friend. We live in a distracting world, and we’re expected to manage more relationships than our brains are capable of. But we also have the resources to put breadcrumbs on the trail, so we remember the paths we want to take, including the ones that run parallel to those in need. So even if you’re not in the crew holding drink cups at mile 12, you can still hand out ice packs in the finishers’ corral.
Let’s talk it out.
How many friendly updates is too many? Have you ever been told to back off, or conversely, let a friend down at a crucial time? Let me know in the comments.
An audio version of this post is available below (for paid subscribers).
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