Chapter 19 - Masks

The faces we wear out of fear.

An audio version of this post is available below (for paid subscribers).

I am something of a social chameleon; adaptable to varied situations. I take action when things get awkward, unafraid to break the silence or self-deprecate to get a laugh. This can be a useful skill to have, but it can also be disingenuous. If you see me smiling, am I really having a good time, or is that just what I want you to see?

Behavioral and social honesty can be a difficult principle to hold on to when things take a turn for the worse. We want to be ourselves, but it’s not always that easy.

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” James Baldwin

We spend a spooky amount of our lives pretending. Double that if we have lots of friends going through horrible things. We have to put on a good face for the masses. So we wear masks to hide our feelings, avoid confrontations, and project positivity. But if we don’t recognize we’re doing this, they can take their toll on our emotions, making us believe we’re processing things well, when instead we’re stuffing our gunnysacks full of powerful feelings.

Japanese philosophy suggests we have three masks: one we show to the public, one to our friends and family, and one to ourselves. In his chapter, I’m focusing on the friends and family mask. In just that category, there are dozens of roles we could play. Here are some common masks we wear during an ongoing emergency, and how we can take them off when we need to.

The Optimist

This is when we don’t want to smile, but do it anyway. We hope that if we present ourselves as happy, positive feelings will eventually catch up to us. Or that the happy face will keep people from asking, “is something wrong?” The confusing part is, wearing this mask isn’t always a bad idea. If you’re one face in a large crowd of supporters at a social gathering, it’s okay to express your love for a friend and show them you can look on the bright side, even if it’s temporary and a bit forced. Odds are they’re trying to do the same thing.

Mantras and affirmations that reinforce positive thinking are also a useful strategy. Repeating to yourself, out loud, on a regular basis, “I am confident in my courage” or “I have the strength to overcome this” (or any of the hundreds of suggestions online) can have a gradually uplifting effect on your mood. This might feel silly at first. Keep at it. Just do it when you’re alone with your thoughts. Don’t say this stuff around your friend if they’re not ready to hear it.

When you’re wearing a fake smile that feels stuck to your face, try to ground yourself in the moment. Take a breath and engage your senses. Let the world go on without you for a second or two. If this means your face shifts into neutral, that’s fine. Horrible times are confusing times, and it’s acceptable that your expressions reflect that fact.

The Imposter

This syndrome is a worldwide epidemic, especially among me and my fellow creatives. Imposters feel that if the world could see who they really are, they would realize they’re undeserving of praise, success, or love. Imposters would never think this of other people, and yet they easily assume this insurmountable scrutiny naturally applies to themselves.

Imposter syndrome can prevent us from helping our friends because it convinces us we’re not the right person for the job. Maybe we think we’re not close enough to a friend, or they don’t want to talk to us, or we’re not equipped to handle the tough stuff. Any of these excuses could be true, but you won’t know until you try. And ask yourself: what if the situation were reversed and someone tried to help you imperfectly. Wouldn’t you still be glad the help was offered?

So take the smallest step you can imagine to support someone you care about and see what happens. If there’s no immediate, positive impact that you can detect, that’s certainly better than the horror stories your mind can create. Take another step, and then another, and let the circumstances dictate your actions, instead of the mean monster in your head telling you to stop.

The Expert

They’re everywhere. People who think they know what they’re talking about, but spread misinformation like the plague. (You could be reading one of their posts right now! Aaaaagh!)

I didn’t start this Substack because I consider myself an expert. I address each chapter’s topic to begin a conversation, not end one. I’m also not directing any of these suggestions and criticisms at a particular person. When you’re face to face with a friend that’s struggling, presenting information from a position of authority doesn’t have the productive impact you might expect, especially if you’re searching for answers out of desperation.

If you don’t have the answers, don’t try to offer them anyway. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. Your friend isn’t keeping you close to them because you’re a universal problem solver. We don’t need a PhD in love and listening to be good at either.

“You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.” Alan Moore

The first step we can take in seeing the masks we wear is admitting we have them. They can be useful in emergencies, and when you’re talking to a surgeon or a firefighter in the middle of a dangerous situation, your natural instincts may encourage you to become a different person for a bit so you can survive it. But our friends’ problems rarely go away quickly. If we want to really help, we have to be with them for the long haul. Scary as it seems, sooner or later we have to shelve our alternate personas and spend more time being ourselves.

And one more note about masks: your friend may be wearing theirs while demanding you take yours off. The only way a friend in an emergency will take off their mask, is if they feel safe in your presence. Do your best to meet their needs with openness, empathy, and vulnerability. And don’t push them to tell you “how they’re really feeling.” They will (or they won’t), given time and patience.

Let’s talk it out.

What other roles have you found yourself playing in times of crisis? Any tips for taking masks off when you don’t need them anymore? Let me know in the comments.

And Happy Halloween!

An audio version of this post is available below (for paid subscribers).