Chapter 10 - Networking

Connecting the dots between your friend’s friends.

An audio version of this post is available below (for paid subscribers).

I’m an introverted extrovert. I flourish in a social setting, eager to start conversations and meet new people. But if given the choice, I’d rather spend an evening alone, writing chapters or playing video games. So the prospect of locating or establishing a network of helpful friends sounds daunting. I’m thankful my wife pushes me to maintain my connections with the outside world. If it seems overwhelming to you, here are the best ways to approach it so you (and I) can take on the challenge with confidence.

The true value of networking doesn’t come from how many people we can meet but rather how many people we can introduce to others.” – Simon Sinek

Some people have several networks, within and, sometimes, overlapping each friend circle, ready to activate when called upon. But some of you might not make and maintain lasting connections as easily, or don’t realize the lack of a network until you need to help someone you care about. So if you have a line of supporters waiting to be summoned, you may not need these tips. But if you’re not sure where to start, ask yourself these 3 questions:

1. Has someone done the work for you?

Before you stress yourself out building a network from scratch, check with friends and family to see what support systems are already in place. There’s no need to knit a security blanket that's been finished by someone else. If you can draw a rough map of their friend circles, begin at the outside and move inward, sending emails, texts, and phone calls.

Siblings and spouses are likely to know more about your friend’s social life compared to parents and co-workers, but everyone’s social structure is unique, and the closer the people are to the epicenter of the life-event, the more they may have their hands full in helping their loved one, or be carrying too much emotional stress to bring a new helper into the fold. You’ll probably want to look for a person you know best who’s connected to the situation, but not suffering first-hand. That person can guide you on who to connect with next.

Just because you’re motivated to help, doesn’t mean you need to be (or should be) in charge of the effort. If you’re all fired up to lead an army of aides, it could be disappointing to learn that the first wave has been deployed without you. This isn’t a contest to see who can donate the most money, or prepare the most food, or show the most affection. What matters is that your friend knows there are people in their corner, ready to help how and when they can. Sometimes just knowing people are there is enough to keep your friend steady and resilient.

Curious cat, be warned: Investigating available networks might reveal friend groups you didn’t know existed, and it’s understandable if you feel like you’ve been excluded. When did they start going to this church? Why wasn’t I invited to this book club? How long has this text thread been going without me? Friend group FOMO can really dampen the helpful mood.

But don’t take it personally. You wouldn’t want your friend to criticize how you’ve built your friend factions, or point out when you’ve excluded them in return, so extend the same courtesy. Even if these new acquaintances are protective of their close-knit community, fighting against any gatekeeping efforts is just going to create additional drama in a situation that’s already teeming with it. Don’t get caught up on where you land in your friend’s pecking order. See where you can fit in and get to work.

2. Who do they talk to besides you?

If your preliminary search doesn’t turn up any obvious candidates, you may have to establish first contact with someone you don’t know. For some, this is a terrifying prospect, but fear not! Your cause is just. Helping out an overtaxed friend is the ultimate ice-breaker. You can count on having at least one thing in common with the stranger you’re about to introduce yourself to. You both care about a person who desperately needs that care.

If there is only one thing you two can relate to, don’t feel pressured to maintain contact outside of your shared friend’s immediate needs. That said, even if someone isn’t directly linked to anyone else, you never know how they may fit into an evolving network. Don’t turn away someone’s help because you don’t know that person well, or don’t think they belong. Their work or life experience may prove invaluable when it comes to setting up a long-term support system. File their info for later and keep digging.

If you’re starting the network, that doesn’t mean you have to run it. There may be someone closer (geographically or emotionally) that would be practiced in communicating with your friend, and could organize things from a more central position. Depending on the network’s size, you may want to assign different people to handle specific tasks (delivering food, walking dogs, picking up medication, driving kids to school) or oversee projects (a family picnic, a garage sale, a reception following a wedding or funeral).

Sometimes the network might be entirely remote–this is especially prevalent in our post-pandemic era, where whole new friend groups were formed via Zoom. Fortunately, if you’re part of one of those groups, it can be easy to build something like a Meal Train where people can help out both locally, and by sending gift cards online.

Here’s an example: Our friends just happily announced the premature birth of their baby. They’re living in a new city, away from their old friend circles, and the old circles don’t know any of their new ones. By engaging with a sibling and recovering an email thread from their virtual baby shower, more friends were looped in to provide meals, regardless of location.

3. Who do they regularly associate with?

Existing in society often engages us with established groups, whether we choose to actively participate in them or not. Your friend might be involved in a Parent-Teacher Organization, or take classes at a local college. Maybe they belong to Facebook groups pertaining to their favorite hobbies or entertainment, or a movie club that meets a few months out of the year. If you know anyone that went to school with them, they might be able to list a few people they recall your friend hanging out with, and pass on their contact info.

Your own friend circles are a decent place to start as well. You never know who has crossed paths before, or who might be willing to help someone they’ve never met. If you have a friend that loves cooking meals for hungry folks, or has a job that provides assistance for the less fortunate, they may have time to lend a hand, or suggest good places to continue your search.

As with all suggested correspondence on this Substack, if you reach out once and don’t hear back, move on to other people instead of incessantly poking.

Identify and utilize the strengths of individuals within the network.

If you’ve discovered groups that are already connected, or webbed some friends together that are willing to help out, now you have to keep in contact or it’s not a real network. Somebody needs to get the ball rolling, and if days go by without any progress, make suggestions or lead by example. Arrange sitters for kids or pets, or stop by to handle household chores, and post the details so people can see stuff is getting done.

A simple text thread can keep the conversation moving but meeting face to face is better, if possible. If you’re just getting to know the bulk of your new network, plan a quick trip for coffee or have them over. If they’re not local, see if you can set up a conference call so you can look them in the eye, hear their voice, and share what you both love about the friend you need to help. Take a picture at one of these meetups, or a screenshot during an online call, and send it to remind your friend there’s a safety net of friendly faces ready to catch them when they fall.

If you want these people to make time for your friend, you need to make time for them. Take their calls, listen to their concerns, and value their suggestions.

One is silver and the other gold.

The toughest part of this endeavor is making new friends, something that can be terrifying at age 6 or 60. We can barely predict what our closest allies are going to do in any given situation, so people we have no experience with can be intimidating. But if you both know a friend that’s hurting, and time is of the essence, you’re already playing for the same team. You just have to find the right positions and focus on your collective strengths.

Let’s talk it out.

Have you ever had to build a new network from the ground up? Were you ever asked to be a part of a mass effort to bring a shared loved one relief? Let me know in the comments.

An audio version of this post is available below (for paid subscribers).