Benefits

The strange ways emergencies make things better.

My marriage could have gone one of two ways when we encountered our horrible thing: together, or apart. When my son was first hospitalized, my wife and I were at a crossroads. We could untie the knot of complications that had developed in 15 years of being together, or let them fester and watch our relationship fall apart. Thankfully, we picked the first one. Our struggles ended up strengthening the bond I have with my best friend, and for all the hardships we’ve had to endure, I’m grateful we ended up where we are. It’s weird how that happens.

“A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses.” Hippocrates

Horrible things are devastating, but there are ways they can improve your life. Understand that recognizing them is for your benefit only. Do not bring this stuff up with your friend. First, you could be wrong. They could be in a stage of their situation that doesn’t afford them the time to recognize anything positive about it. And second, these are realizations your friend has to have on their own. It means little when you point them out ahead of time. Don’t be the person who sunnysides when your friend is in despair–it’s not comforting or helpful. If your sentence starts with “at least,” try to stop yourself before you say it.

Then why am I telling you this? Because it’s hard to watch your friend’s world crumble to pieces. The knowledge that it’s not all bad might bring you some peace of mind. Here are a couple of things that can get better during hard times.

“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” Dolly Parton

Partnership

My wife and I are far from perfect, but we’ve learned how to regulate those imperfections. Lots and lots of therapy helped. There’s no question our son’s illness has brought us closer together, and made us more capable of solving complex and emotionally draining problems. Our relationship would be in a completely different state had all of this not started 4 years ago.

But that’s not always the case. In a time of intense need, you find out who your real friends really are. Networks are established. Your inner circle reveals itself, and it might be full of people you don’t expect, and new intimacies with people you’ve known for years but have never been close with. Someone might have knowledge of, or experience in, your friend’s situation, and become a vital resource and shoulder to cry on. Don’t force friendships that aren’t beneficial to you, or your friend. Build healthy boundaries, and invest in the people that really care.

Focus

A crisis doesn’t take away your other problems, but it sure makes you think about them less. And that can be just as good as actually solving them. When times get tough, you don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s a lesson we all should learn, even when things are going smoothly. Some people call this “right sizing” the import of events. You learn quickly what really matters and what can be released.

If your friend needs you, and you commit yourself to helping them, it gives the hours in your day a stronger purpose that you likely don’t regularly experience. Being a caregiver, or playing a supporting role, can be exhausting. But there’s a pride and focus that comes with it, that can be somewhat freeing and help ease a scattered mind.

Stephanie Bentley addressed this in our interview:

“Sometimes it can feel like, ‘Well, what should we be focusing on? What should we be doing?’ And when you have a child in crisis, that question is answered. ‘We have to do this. We have no choice.’”

Gratitude

When you lose something, you become thankful for the things you still have. Currently, my wife and I don’t share many meals together, so when we go out for lunch and leave our kid with a family member, the food tastes better, and the words we share mean more. You don’t want to deprive someone of joy so that they feel happier when it returns, but if you have a chance to make your friend’s life normal again, even for a few minutes, go for it. You’ll be surprised how things we take for granted can mean the world to someone that misses them. But save yourself from telling your friend they should feel gratitude. No one wants to hear that, regardless of how big their issues are.

Confidence

During an emergency, the big stuff will always be difficult, but the resilience you develop while facing it gives you strength when you have to deal with the small stuff. This also naturally develops after you establish resources, build networks, and learn more about everything that’s going wrong. If your friend seems more confident, mirror and encourage it.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’” Eleanor Roosevelt

As comforting as these silver linings can be, don’t share them with your friend, ever. If they bring them up, nod and smile. If they say “This experience has brought me and my husband closer together,” don’t reply, “Yeah, I knew it would.” Just listen to your friend and hope they can benefit from any of these life preservers in their ocean of turmoil. A simple, “I’m glad for you,” is really all that needs saying here. And maybe your friend’s experience will help you see how these benefits may develop in yourself, and appreciate that bad things sometimes make good things happen.

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